Sickness

Here it is the end of March and my dad is dying of Pancreatic Cancer. He was diagnosed in early February with cancer and was told while in hospital that he had three months to live. He was very upset as we all were. He has lost an extreme amount of weight in the past year and a half and he is so not looking like himself. He is actually looking very scary.

I am sad, I am sad because my dad was not in our lives for so long. He is a German man and very stubborn. It has always been about him and never about anyone else. Me Me Me.....
He right now is home and he sits in his chair in the quiet and thinks and smokes. For the past two months mt brother, aunt, and myself have been going into see him and doing his groceries and cleaning his apartment.

I feel angry sometimes becasue even though he is dying of cancer, he is taking the cheap way out of this life. I mean, he was not around so much that now he is dying and its just not fair damit. I am sad for him because he is in alot of pain, and the end is near but.. its just not fair that he has to die.

Over the past little while, he has been talking about his regrets and how he feels and I remember one day I was sitting in his apartment with my aunt and we were talking about paternity of children and my dad so honestly looked over at me and said "I remember at one point I did not think you were my child" and I was so hurt. Although I knew he had felt that way because mom and I had talked about some things.

I admire my mom becasue in all the time that we were kids and growing up, we never once heard mom say anything negative about dad. She did not toot his horn but she never did say that she was angry or that she hated him or even anything negative. I admire that because we had the opportunity to learn for ourselves just how much of a jerk he really was.

And now that he is sick there is alot of unspoken feelings that are not being said from our (the kids) side. We let him talk and spew out what he feels he needs to say. Be it being guilty or even him telling us how much he loves us.

I guess the thing I have troubles with is that my dad is a story teller. He is full of tall tales and he always has been. Its funny (maybe not funny) but you know I can always say that he has lived a fairy tale life and we are never sure if it is real talking or BS.

I feel sorry for my brother because he never had his dad around. I was thankful because I have an awesome mom. She has been very supporting of me and my brother and I am so thankful for that.

I hope one day my brother will realize that because his dad was such a jerk and was not in our lives that mom and I are here for him and that we love him. I hope one day he will find a wonderful woman to love him and support him.

To my dad, I love you. I love you even though you were a mystery man. I love you.

Until next time,
Jewellz