Friday Night!

Its been a long day! starting off with a continual battle with some bitch that has ruined my life, or so it seems! my day has been absolutely one of the worst days possible! From problems with patients and delays in schedules and staffing issues.  I am tired and cranky and thirsty and hungry......I come home to an empty house...ahhhhh my house.....my safety net!  Lights on, warmth, and comfort.  I am greeted by my Jack that is so over the moon to see me walk through the door..... his little stubby tail waggin as fast as it can and him jumping in the air to get petted and cookies thrown his way.....My buddy rings the door bell and we change and head out to the local watering hole!

As we are driving there we are cranking the tunes to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunches Good Vibrations and singing at the top of our lungs and laughing at how old skool it is to listen to the good ole tunes.  As we turn the corner to our destination, the parking lot is empty and the bar looks dead from the outside looking in.....oh great....one of two things, the bar is dead or it is closed......cool, its very quiet in the bar with the exception of a few Canadian Idols that are pumpin the jams to a karaoke machine! Sweet......crappy sounding people that try their darnedest to sing like the pros! 

We go in and put a food order in.....two chickys lookin for fattening foods.....Wings, fries and beer! LOVE IT!  We find a table, at first pick under the speaker.....wise choice.....move to a table on the opposite room where its not so freakin loud and we can pretend to hear what each other is saying.  

So the Dj dude is trying his hardest to get singers to come up and belt out some tunes but is totally unsuccessful as there is aprox. 30 people in the bar and half are feelin no pain by 10:30pm, so he gets up and sings a few songs, which I am hoping is to turn people off so that they will get up! Well guess what........it worked! 

There is a lady that sings and she well.....she well.......sucked! lol but koodoos for gettin up there! if she had fun.....who cares right!  Well as we hoover the wings and fries and beer down more ladies start to come in!  They are all polished up and looking nice and I would say that they are there to pick up! 

So the newest lady in the bar gets up to sing.....now in a bar that that ratio of men to women surprisingly is higher, the song she sings is "stroke it" and let me tell ya.....no pun intended.....she sucked!  I mean come on.....you suck and you have a mouth like a trucker and the bar is practically empty.....lol why of all songs this one?  looking for attention are we?

So for the hour that we were in the bar with this woman, she proceeds to talk to the bar through the mic and start a stand up routine.....she tells this joke.....

"a man walks into the bank with a gun, he says if anyone looks at me I will kill them.  So as he finishes up robbing the bank he notices that a man is looking at him so he states that he has to kill him as he now can identify him and bang he shoots him.  So as he is walking out he asks if anyone else has looked at him and this woman raises her hand and says, I have not looked at you but my husband has!"

Lol......so after this stand up comedy routine she proceeds to sing Janis Joplin - take another little peice of my heart......OUCH Janis Joplin is rolling over in her grave! 

Back to my quiet house, to my security blanket! To my Jack loving every second that I am home, throwing the ball for him......over and over and over again! lol! 

Well......good night kids! 

Until next time, 

Jewellz

Down and out

Here it is March 1, 2010 and I am sitting at my computer wondering why I am here.  I mean I know that I am a good person and that I have a lot to offer to people but I cannot figure out why people seem to put me down, belittle me, make me feel bad, hurt me, or even sometimes why I cannot feel that I am good enough for people.

I just feel most days that I am not good enough for the world, now some people might say to me that I am a whiner and I am just looking for attention and to be honest that is not it at all!  I mean I am completely fine to be on my own and it does get lonely but that is just how most days I feel.

Let's back track a little bit.  My sons father is double my age and he is such a user and a loser that I fell into his loser trap.  He had put me down so much that I was at a low so bad I believed that I was a mental person.  He hit me and he verbally, emotionally, sexually, and financially abused me.  It's weird because when you are not directly involved in that situation you think "just leave him".  Now, I know that this was 10 years ago when I was in this relationship and that I should be over it and for the most part I am except for one situation which I choose not to talk about.   He also took my son from me and I feel so incomplete without my son.  I feel like a huge failure because his father does not encourage our relationship and to be honest I do not think that my son wants to be with me.

Then we move over to Neil.  I loved him I really loved him and when I look back I really don't know why because it was all about him.  Everything.  Never once did he have anything positive to say to me.  never.  I supported him and I paid for everything and he just continued to use me over and over and over again.

Now, here I have the opportunity to meet someone I have known all my life and I pushed him away.  I told him not to come visit me, to leave me alone.  I know that he would be a good friend but I just want so much more than a friend.  I want to have some fun.  I want to explore him and him to explore me but we are at so different parts of our lives I often wonder how it would ever fit or how we would ever be compatible.

How can anyone fall in love with someone that lives with mommy and lives pay check to pay check?  How can anyone love someone that is over weight and feels down about themselves almost everyday.  How can I possibly love someone if I don't love myself?  Why do I not love myself? because of the situation that I am in.

Thank you Neil for putting me in debt and making me feel like such a failure for a second time!  Thank you Wayne for abusing me so much that I am having a hard time trusting a man.

To everyone that is hurting me, please, I  beg of you, STOP!

To the man that I have pushed away, I am so sorry.  I do care a great deal for you and I do want something to develop and to be your friend and more, but understand that I am not good enough for you and you deserve so much more than me.

To my friends, I just need space, just let me be for now and I will get over this hurdle eventually!

Until next time,
Jewellz