Down and out

Here it is March 1, 2010 and I am sitting at my computer wondering why I am here.  I mean I know that I am a good person and that I have a lot to offer to people but I cannot figure out why people seem to put me down, belittle me, make me feel bad, hurt me, or even sometimes why I cannot feel that I am good enough for people.

I just feel most days that I am not good enough for the world, now some people might say to me that I am a whiner and I am just looking for attention and to be honest that is not it at all!  I mean I am completely fine to be on my own and it does get lonely but that is just how most days I feel.

Let's back track a little bit.  My sons father is double my age and he is such a user and a loser that I fell into his loser trap.  He had put me down so much that I was at a low so bad I believed that I was a mental person.  He hit me and he verbally, emotionally, sexually, and financially abused me.  It's weird because when you are not directly involved in that situation you think "just leave him".  Now, I know that this was 10 years ago when I was in this relationship and that I should be over it and for the most part I am except for one situation which I choose not to talk about.   He also took my son from me and I feel so incomplete without my son.  I feel like a huge failure because his father does not encourage our relationship and to be honest I do not think that my son wants to be with me.

Then we move over to Neil.  I loved him I really loved him and when I look back I really don't know why because it was all about him.  Everything.  Never once did he have anything positive to say to me.  never.  I supported him and I paid for everything and he just continued to use me over and over and over again.

Now, here I have the opportunity to meet someone I have known all my life and I pushed him away.  I told him not to come visit me, to leave me alone.  I know that he would be a good friend but I just want so much more than a friend.  I want to have some fun.  I want to explore him and him to explore me but we are at so different parts of our lives I often wonder how it would ever fit or how we would ever be compatible.

How can anyone fall in love with someone that lives with mommy and lives pay check to pay check?  How can anyone love someone that is over weight and feels down about themselves almost everyday.  How can I possibly love someone if I don't love myself?  Why do I not love myself? because of the situation that I am in.

Thank you Neil for putting me in debt and making me feel like such a failure for a second time!  Thank you Wayne for abusing me so much that I am having a hard time trusting a man.

To everyone that is hurting me, please, I  beg of you, STOP!

To the man that I have pushed away, I am so sorry.  I do care a great deal for you and I do want something to develop and to be your friend and more, but understand that I am not good enough for you and you deserve so much more than me.

To my friends, I just need space, just let me be for now and I will get over this hurdle eventually!

Until next time,
Jewellz